In the catagory of subjects not discussed

It has been my experience that most of the information that first time mothers- to-be get from “so-called” reliable sources is, to say the very least, inadequate and incomplete.
This explains why woman without children regard you and your slowly dying waistline with envy and utter unmasked excitement, while the wiser mother of two seems to regard you with a measure of pity.
She knows what your going through and knows what is still to come, but dutiful to the unspoken code of decorum surrounding this event she refrains from scaring the crap out of you and simply warns you to take your vitamins.
So you dutifully pop a carefully regimented routine of folic acid and omega three, you refrain from sushi and drink non alcoholic beer that tastes like fermented cat urine, you pee constantly and your boobs hurt, but you smile when people tell you how wonderful it is because you know that this is normal.
You knew that this would happen long before you even seriously considered having children and you had long since come to the conclusion that these small hiccups are a small price to pay when in pursuit of fulfilling ones biological destiny.
Alas some time near the end of your first trimester you start to realize that when mankind was ordered to go forth and multiply, nobody stopped to negotiate the terms by which this frolicking fornication would take place.
And now you are stuck to bare the repercussion of gross non disclosure.

The ugly truth, that at some point you are going to stop and say “oh my god what have I done” is shrouded is impenetrable darkness and secrecy.
You were never told that you will go through a phase of morning for your now dead and gone social life or that you will silently wonder if you’ll love your baby enough to accept that you are now a frauw.
While you may only have wallowed in this self loathing cesspool of insanity for a short while you will feel the guilt of it for weeks or at least until you find a way to redeem your soul.
None of the magazines that you have suddenly taken to reading ever tell you that despite the endless crooning and attention you receive from every person you know, including those you thought you weren’t speaking to, you will on some level feel very alone.
The prospect of childbirth looms in your future as possibly the most terrifying thing you have ever faced and your body is doing all sorts of strange things. And while the daddy-to-be is aware of these life altering changes it is all a rather inconsequential abstract to him and you know it. He doesn’t grasp the full weight of what is happening to you and he was never designed to.

Someone should truly write a book about pregnancy definitions so that prospective preggies would know that the direct translation of “Morning sickness” is “all day, all night sickness that feels like your stomach lining is clawing its way up your thought” or that food aversions means that you will be averted to food in general, that you will constantly feel overeaten and even the slightest thought of anything creamy will make you want to vomit in your mouth.

The list of pregnancy symptoms should be revised to include;
-Farts so powerful it makes the nuclear holocaust look like a low adrenalin getaway.
-Feeling lethargic should be more adequately explained and an unparalleled exhaustion the likes of which are only rivaled by death itself.
- Your body is running at the same temperature Hitler once used to burn Jews at and yet you’re still feeling cold
-Back ache Back ache back ache!!!!!

And for crying in a bucket could somebody please for all the love in the world start making maternity wear that does not resemble a badly stitched circus tent from the 1800’s

Your going to want to kill him about a baby name and the nursery color scheme and he’s going to write your rage off to pregnancy mood swings, instead of your dream of the perfect kid with the perfect name being ruined by his utter inability to sit down shut-up and agree with you.
Any moment he spends lying on the couch will be seen as a direct reflection of his willingness to help out when the baby arrives and you will consider feeding him to your pets to spare yourself the aggravation.
You will feel the slight urge to impale the next person who uses their experience with babies thirteen years ago as a platform to tell you what to do and you will cringe every time some random person completely molests the principal of personal space to rub your tummy.
People who tell you that your glowing put themselves in serious danger of having their eyeballs donated to someone more likely to put them to actually use them and you are quite sure you’ll pass out at the sight of another pink polka dot.

And the truth is that you will feel terribly sorry for yourself much of the time while working incredibly hard to hide the feeling from other people because you too now prescribe to the pregnancy pact of “shut up and deal with it”

However all this considered it is kind of nice to know that you have hundreds of people who are all of a sudden incredibly concerned with your wellbeing.
It’s refreshing when daddy brings home take out when you don’t want to cook. Its great to know that my little sister is wishing my pregnancy over with as much impatience as I am because she cant wait to be an aunty.
Its also kina cool to sit back and remind yourself that you are getting closer to the end every day and that soon you get to be one of those wiser woman