“I am rather set in my ways” I have used this excuse for all kinds of things including self indulgence and being a narcissistic noncommittal coward. I am also using it as an excuse for not being fully thrilled about “the magical journey of pregnancy”.
I am by no means playing down the fact that it is nothing short of amazing that people can grow people in their own bodies but I have not been thrilled at the full on assault my body has launched at my docile existence. Everything changes from your moods to your eating pattern and at some point you are bound to look in a mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you.
I realized this morning however that the most significant change that has taken place in my life is the acute sense of self awareness.
My anticipation of certain events has ensured that I am acutely aware of every cramp, every movement, every gained inch and every twitch.
I can honestly say that at 18 weeks with the first fetal movement scheduled I have become an expert on the effect of gas on ones bowel and abdomen. I am intensely in tune with the rumbles and flutters and cramps as I anxiously await that moment when I can honestly say I felt the baby.
And after having mistakenly identified this phenomenon several times I am starting to feel like a hypochondriac. I am crying wolf when I have absolutely no idée what a wolf looks like and its frustrating to say the least.
I recall earlier in my pregnancy trying to define a specific parameter for the appearance of a baby bump to still my fears that my baby has stopped growing.
Or being incredibly worried about the actual existence of a baby due to my lack of early pregnancy symptoms.
Small things like abdominal cramping are monitored for any pain that exceeds what’s described as normal on yahoo answers.
And despite the fact that there is ample material on each small little niggle I have never truly felt completely satisfied that nothing is wrong.
You read that each woman is different each time you research your latest neurotic concern and since you have never been through this before you battle to define what is normal.

Today During a conversation with a college of mine I felt something new, like being bumped from the inside. It had happened for the second time today and I am now convinced that if I can get it to happen again it’s the real thing.
Yet in the back of my mind I fear I may be giving great credit to something as mundane as a fart which takes away from what is supposed to me a momentous experience, and there is always the very real possibility that I am over reacting or imagining things.